Earth Shoes

She was a free spirit. A child of nature. She turned on, tuned in, and dropped out of Berkley. She ate only natural foods. Fruit from the co-op. She never ate animals. She hated the idea of animals raised to die for her meal. She wore only cotton as it made her feel closer to the earth. Mother earth. She was the world and world was life.

He was a rebel. Out to save the world from destruction. His draft card burned and a pocket full of tabs he headed up the coast eventually settling in on the beach below Mount Tam. That’s where he met her. She was an enigma. Carly Simon hair and lace shawls.

She loved his free and easy spirit. He played the guitar for her for hours. The dropped two tabs each the day they met. Each became a swirling kaleidoscope of freedom.
He just wanted some strange wool and she was it.
They giggled as they made love on top of the serape in the back of his VW van. At one point he said she felt like mashed potatoes and she giggled. Bright starbursts of light appeared as the van rocked and the curtains shifted. The acid now surging through them in waves controlled their lovemaking. They would go at it for a 5 minutes and then get distracted by each other. She fell into his eyes and he chewed her hair. As each surge passed the focus returned and the would go at it again. Finally, after what had been hours they both fell into the universal void of passion he said “We are one now.” He collapsed and wept in her arms. She could only think of how the doctor told her she has a tilted uterus and how that didn’t stop her from enjoying getting banged by a guy who looked like Cat Stevens but sounded like Arlo Guthrie.

In reality the LSD did more than provide a good trip. He released his genetically altered seed into her genetically damaged girly bit.
His albino tadpoles, with their razor sharp fangs, were rapidly moving towards her damaged “grade A” pre-omelets. She lit a joint and passed it to her weeping tunesmith.
Just then a tiny voice yelled “eureka” as a tadpole settled in for breakfast.

8 ½ months later she lay in back of the same van, this time just outside of Monterey. She was bummed that the baby decided to come on the last day of the music festival.
He, a proud father to be, circled the van banging on his ceremonial drum to alert local Indian spirits to the arrival of his new child.
She gave birth on that same serape they conceived the child on. As the baby crowned she yelled “I AM MOTHER EARTH.” And with a grand push the child entered the world. Next to her was a metal cooler filled with Brew102 and ice. The cooler was there to keep the placenta fresh, as she would ingest that later, somehow, because it has a lot of nutrients. She never finished that chapter so she figured she’d keep it on ice until she found out how to prepare it.

These were your parents.

Eventually they wore EARTH SHOES.


Earth shoes are for Hippie Idiots.
Hidiots.

Earth shoes were an unconventional style of shoe invented in the 1970s in Scandinavia: unlike other shoes, the soles were thick and the heels were thin (Negative Heel Technology), so wearing them one walked heel-downward. The advertisements said that it was like walking on the beach, where one's footprints are this way.

The Always Come Back:
Earth shoes are still in existence, and has recently re-introduced shoes with negative heels in a variety of styles ranging from sandals to running shoes.
They actually boast on there website the following:
"We have been manufacturing in China for the past ten years, which allows us to be competitive with the rest of the shoe industry, and to provide you with the very best value. Family members and executives go there frequently to watch operations and working conditions. Our Company operates with the highest standards. We are proud to say we have been a factor in changing the workers way of life. The factory and offices are up to par with many US plants, and our workers enjoy a lifestyle above Asian standards. In short, Earth, and other US companies operating in China's special industrial zones, have created a new life for Chinese workers. We are pushing the envelope and raising the bar; fighting for better living and a better environment. We have and will continue to influence changes to improve people's quality of life everywhere on Earth."

18 comments:

Bryce Digdug said...

What a brilliant idea for a blog! Very niche market. It's something everyone can relate to. You are going to get a lot of hits.

My site isn't single-niche focused. It's focused on Judy Garland and meat (speciafically the Four Pork Products of the Apocalypse). The weather is like pea soup up in S.F. today. It raining too hard to drive my chopped and channeled Hudson to work so I rode my vicuna. She's used to hills.

EmmaPeel007 said...

You and your tilted uterus...

Gavin Elster said...

yeah.... it makes me laugh!

Ladron de Basura (a.k.a. Junk Thief) said...

Earth Shoes - hideous, ghastly, just the thing for skanky, self-righteous, smelly Berkeley scum. And, yet, looking at the shoes on their site, compared to Birkenstocks, they're kinda cute. Birkenstocks. What were they thinking. Right, they weren't thinking.

WAT said...

Yes, u won't be posting as much u said.

I think you already broke that promise! HA!

Gavin Elster said...

I chose the one style that looked like a Birkenstock just so I wouldnt have to post about them.

Gavin Elster said...

wat,
I'll lose steam shortly. Honest.

Anonymous said...

It is sad that such pitifully ignorant souls as yourself exist in the world. It would really be a better place if someone took action to rid said world of such lost individuals as yourself.

peace.

Gavin Elster said...

um is that a peace loving hippy death threat? Are you like a hippy Nazi or something? What is wrong with you?

Anonymous said...

Not a hippie, just intolerant of stupidity. Like when people can't spell hippie. Obviously if I were a lover of peace, I wouldn't suggest such dramatic action as ridding the world of humanistic parasites. You should find some means of educating yourself, if the world is stuck with you, you could at the very least promote your own intelligence and perhaps build your integrity (check Webster, people often confuse the actual definition with narcissistic gibberish) as well...that way, maybe someday, you will actually find yourself an asset instead of an arrogant moron.

Gavin Elster said...

Wow you are bitter and unfriendly. No wonder you are anonymous. Why don't you strap on a sack and give yourself a name? So I can't spell. Big deal. You knew what the hell I meant. So a single post about earthshoes got you all worked up. That a surprise considering all the REALLY stupid posts I have made in the past. What upset you so much? What aspect of this post, aside from the spelling, got you so worked up? What makes you want wish I no longer existed (Because of a post about earthshoes!)? You seem upset and a little lonely. Do you need a hug?

Gavin Elster said...

Thanks for the e-mail. Jersey loves you.

Jamya said...

Does Earth shoes really help to burn calories?

ha1ku said...

Earth Shoes suck. Try walking uphill in a pair, and you'll hate them too.

Anonymous said...

Had a pair as a kid, then bought a pair about two years ago at Walmart. They don't look like they have negative heels, but they feel like it. But, hey, you can't go wrong for ten bucks.

Neshobanakni

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earth spirit shoes said...

Yea I made a hub on earth spirit shoes which is another type of earth shoes. They seem to be getting more and more popular with all the brands they make now

Anonymous said...

I love Hippies. They were right after all. That's why brain dead conservatives hate them so much.